I’m really good at pointing out flaws and placing needed improvement notes everywhere. I’m a pro at it actually. But since writing my blog series ABBA it’s like I stepped on a land mine. I share these things because this is my work. This is where my heart is. For me, sharing is like writing. It is healing. It keeps me accountable to myself. I also share in hopes of connecting with like minded, healed, healing, loving human-beings. I share in hopes of someone seeing me in them, or themselves in me. We are all connected. We all experience life from different angles but we intersect at points and experiences.
I started using a Life Coach who also happens to be a marriage counselor, a few years ago - 2016 to be exact. My initial goal was to get some fire under me to set some personal goals and accomplish them. I needed accountability. At the time, I was just getting comfortable with being a stay-at home mom but was missing more purpose in my life. I have a B.A. in Religious Studies and I completed all my course work for a M.S. in Counseling & Psychology but failed my comprehensive essay exam and never went back to retake it (still kicking myself about it). I say that to say, my heart is in service, healing, love...connection. Constantly seeking growth and purpose.
This year my prayer was for God to take me deeper in Him. I guess I didn't expect the kind of "deep" that God would take me. I should have been more specific,Lol, because the direction of "deep" that I am headed is a deepness that I have avoided my entire adult life. My weekly business coaching sessions have turned into tear sessions of me going deeper into EGO. Deeper into childhood wounds that I have disassociated myself from. Basically, daddy issues. YIKES!! I guess if I look at it from a different perspective, going deeper in God is exactly this. It's removing those stains, those lies that I have made truths. God is not a God of confusion, so healing is required.
I have always prided myself on growing up without my father but being okay with it. Loving my dad from afar and being fine with it. You couldn't tell this girl that she had daddy issues. I love my dad. I accept my dad.
But the poison from those wounds seeped into my need to not desire marriage, afraid to be a mother, and a nonchalant attitude towards friendship, connection, community. Can you believe that? I am a very social person and I seek connection, so I thought I had healed those areas. But I am healing not healed. Putting myself out there is healing. I can be hot and cold in areas of needing others. On the outside, I have conquered these things. But they are uprooted when life becomes unclear. When conversation are muddy. I easily feel unsafe and the need to control, and retreat. Disconnect. The need to escape from all of it. It's all fear based. Rejection induced.
I stay above water with God, awareness, and the deep desire to not destroy those who love me. I desire to be who I needed when I was younger but in order to do that fully, I have to face the big bad wolf. Daddy issues.
In order to not feel the need to leave, I have to go deeper. Take the mask off.
The funny thing is I was writing a devotional called Abba, which is a Hebrew word for Father and all these issues begin to come to the surface. That was NOT my goal. Lol
Yet here I am. I am curious to see who I become when I heal.
What is life like, when we heal? Let's take a walk and see. I encourage you to go deep. Ask some hard question and ask God to take you deeper!
Jessica A. Brown